— 11 Jul 2023, 00:42 by Alex Hardy
Okay, it's 18.15, just returned. In the distance can be heard the gentle rumble of thunder and we may well soon be running for cover. That said, experience tells me that weather is incredibly localised here, but I think hanging up our wet clothes outside from the kayak is just asking for trouble, like leaving the umbrella at home.
Anyway, as there were some embarrassing moments for one or two boys today, I will be substituting their real names with those of their sibling(s) to keep it all anonymous.
So, first of all we went to Vézelay, home of one of the hundreds of ribs / fingers / toes of Marie Magdelene - there are so many religious buildings that boast housing a part of her body, it makes the mind boggle. The boys were really on top form. They have bought many of you parents some lovely presents.
Oh, the heavens are opening - fantastic!
Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, the presents. One of you lucky mothers will soon be the proud possessor of a genuine factory-made wooden walking stick. A certain father will be receiving a delightful Vézelay lighter that will surely brighten up any smoking experience. Our favourite is the boy who bought a little perfume atomiser and said (this is a verbatim quote): 'the bottle looks pretty but it doesn't smell very nice'. Enjoy. Any peri-menopausal among you should be very excited as lots of boys bought you decorative fans, so all your problems will soon be over. Ice creams, smoothies and milkshakes were enjoyed, and they were truly beautifully behaved.
Just a hop, skip and jump to the kayak centre and the boys were quickly changed, jacketed and helmeted and off to kayak.
If any of you watched the 2012 London Olympics and enjoyed the canoeing races and dreamed that one day your son would win gold in such an event later in life, you may want to think again. The quality was 'mixed'. The secret, really, is just to stop paddling and let the kayak drift along the current, with the occasional correction with a judicious bit of steering. Some boys improved on this technique by zigzagging from bank to bank, crashing into every tree along the way. The river was very low in (most) parts and boys often chose to jump out and push the boat out of the rocks. There was a fantastic moment when 'Toby' was just standing in the river, no kayak in sight because 'Boris' had just gone off without him. I asked 'Boris' why he did this and said that 'Toby' had been just so annoying, it was the only sensible option. After further investigation, all of us staff completely sided with 'B', and had a good laugh. Now that I re-tell this story, I'm not sure if anyone actually ever picked T up, I'm just popping out to do a quick headcount.
Leanne is having a massive sulk. Let me tell you why. The best way to do the kayak, from a teacher's point of view, is to hang around at the back for well over half of the stretch of river. It is so entertaining to watch the boys crash into things, and we even occasionally help them too. The instructors have to stop and wait from time to time, so there is no point being at the front until we have free rein to get back to the centre at our own speed. Now, of course, this is the time for the competitive to leap into action. I liked the plan of 'Balthazar' and 'Charlie' sharing a kayak, they just shoved any boat that looked quicker into a riverbank, and I soon followed suit and steadily moved up the field. It was going to be a big ask to get past Mrs Chassebi - she keeps incredibly active and (this is top secret) is going to be on the next Gladiators under the soubriquet 'Brutal Bel', while I prefer spending my evenings watching Benidorm (well, let's face it, who doesn't?). So, it was a great pleasure to glide past her and finish in first place, emerging from my vessel with considerable pride and joy. Ms Whitehead finished about an hour later, out of breath and barely able to move and said 'no one told me it was a race', which is hardly my fault, it should have been obvious. However you slice it, there were winners and a big loser.
Okay, the dinner bell has gone, the boys deserve a great feast today. Bingo night after supper.
Oh, and after the jigsaw victory, the MCF staff confirmed that LP was comfortably the fastest of all groups on the kayak activity, which begs the question, just how bad were the other schools???
